One inherent problem in the African marriage is that our extended family members are seen as integral members of our marriages. In some cultures, members of the husband’s family see the wife of their brother or son as an addition to their family and in some cultures, they expect the wife to serve and respect every other member of the family including the youngest child of that home.
In some cultures, the wife is expected to call every other member of the family ‘my husband’ which means that she is to marry not only her husband (except in sexual matters) but the whole family. This means that if she decides to relate to her husband alone, she will incur the wrath of other members of the family who will in turn make her life miserable in that marriage.
On the other hand, the parents of a lady can be so possessive to the point that they will be manipulating her and directing her on what to do or how to marry her husband. In some extreme cases some parents may decide to move over to their daughter’s matrimonial home and live together with her and her husband or convince their daughter to bring her husband to live in their own home.
In such cases, their daughter may start by spending most time with her parents and causing the man to come visiting her most of the time in her parents home and if she becomes pregnant, they will retain her till she delivers the baby and becomes pregnant again and the cycle continues without end.
In some other cases, the brothers and or sisters of the husband may not be happy about their brother’s intention to get married because they will think that the woman will cause them to lose all the financial support which they have been enjoying, and this can lead to a serious tension between them and their brother and eventually the wife of their brother as this can go on for years if not the life time unless God intervenes.
In the case of the ladies, if they are educated, gainfully employed, into a successful business venture and wealthy, some parents, brothers and sisters of such ladies, will hardly let her go into a marriage relationship without them remote-controlling her to be their bread winner even after her marriage. They will want her to build them a house, buy them a car, train others in school or set up profitable business venture, etc, as a recompense for her training.
In some very extreme cases, some family members would prefer to retain their loved daughters at home and permit them to have children out of wedlock rather than giving her out in marriage.
These points can be a real source of trouble in any given African marriage but God has solution to every marriage problem.
SOLUTIONS TO THE IN-LAW PROBLEMS:
1. Accept the problems as cultural problems. Although the degree of the problems differ from culture to culture even within the same country, it is very important that every intending couple accept them as real. Do not try to treat them as non-existent or you will multiply your sorrows. The scripture says, “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” This knowledge will save your marriage.
2. Discuss them before marriage. Before you say “I do”, it is wise to discuss these points with your spouse before you go to the altar. Remember that God hates divorce therefore, it is better to discuss these trouble spots and accept or reject them before you get married.
One problem that I have noticed is that either the man will say “I will change her after marriage” or the lady might say ‘let me get married first’ then I will show him my true color. Or both the man and the woman have no idea of such problems and are so deeply in love that they do not foresee any problem from the in-laws and when the problem begins to show up, they are unprepared to handle it and it tears them apart.
3. Seek the face of the Lord. Having discussed the matter together, present it to the Lord in prayer and go ahead with the relationship if the Lord approves the relationship or quit the relationship if He tells you to quit. A broken engagement is better than a divorce or a painful and sorrowful marriage.
4. If you must marry him / her, make sure that the marriage is godly and legally conducted. Avoid co-habiting. Be determined to handle the problem very maturely and positively. Throw away every form of hypocrisy or deceit. Determine in your mind to love your in-laws.
5. Be determined to live in peace with every member of your husband’s or wife’s family. It is achievable in every culture, but one problem we face is that most young people wanting to get married, have determined to have nothing to do with other members of their husband’s or wife’s family.
Therefore, even before the marriage is consummated, they are already scheming to displace every other member of their spouse’s family with the result that even their good intentions, deeds, and requests produce negative results because of the deceit and hypocrisy behind the good intention. Such people try to present themselves as good but have other plans. Try to live in peace even with the worst of your in-laws.
6. Leave and cleave. It is very important for both the man and woman to understand and accept God’s formula for a healthy marriage which is that they must determine to leave their father’s houses and cleave to one another as is clearly demanded in Genesis 2:24 and Psalm 45:10.
What God has joined together in marriage must not be put asunder by in-laws. Any man or woman who allows his or her father, mother, siblings, etc to come between his/her spouse is not wise. Put them where they belong. I do not mean that you have nothing to do with them but they must allow you to build your new family with your spouse and make sure they know that.
7. Determine to support you in-laws. The law of leaving to cleave does not mean that you must have nothing to do with the welfare of your in-laws. God expects us to extend our love to both our own family members and members of our spouse’s family to the extent that we can without grumblings and complaints for God loves a cheerful giver.
In our own marriage, we support both my family members and my in laws without discrimination to the extent that we can carry. My wife and I consult one another before taking any action and by this we have laid to rest every such problem in our marriage. Partiality, like was in the case of Joseph (in the Bible), can wreck any good marriage. Try not to be partial.
8. Do not marry a man or woman because of his/her wealth. If you marry a man or woman because of his or her wealth, you will be blinded by that fact so that you will concentrate on grabbing his or her wealth. People who marry because of the wealth of others will do everything within their power to keep the man or woman completely to him or herself and his or her own immediate family and therefore incur the wrath of his or her in-laws.
We must understand that, in the African and similar contexts, both families become one by marriage. We must therefore endeavor to balance our treatment of both families. The man and his wife become one by marriage so they should care for both family needs (i.e. that of the husband and his wife) to the extent that they can cheerfully do without grumblings because God loves a cheerful giver.
Israel Ikpeka.
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