Nigerian Weddings - A Brief Insight!

Daniel Wealthrise Wedding 2014

Although marriage traditions may vary from rural to urban areas, weddings in Nigeria often follow several common customs. Formal meetings between the couple's families, the offer of a dowry and an engagement ceremony are all traditional events prior to a wedding ceremony. While dating and selecting your own spouse occurs in urban areas, arranged marriages are frequent in Nigeria.

Introduction Ceremony

Prior to an engagement, the families of the bride and the groom become acquainted through a formal ceremony. The groom's family usually travels to the home of the bride's family and presents a letter requesting the woman's hand in marriage. Traditional dances and the offer of a dowry are part of the process to persuade the bride's family to accept the letter. This ceremony often occurs only a few days before the wedding.

Engagement Ceremony

The evening before the wedding day, the groom's family visits the bride's family again. This visit is to hear the response to the letter that was presented during the introduction ceremony. If a positive response is given, both families are formally introduced to the guests. Friends and family celebrate the engagement with food and drink. Often the groom's family provides traditional foods such as palm, yam, sugar and drinks as well as offering the bride's family a suitcase packed with traditional clothing, bags, shoes and jewelry. The officiating elder, the person who transferred the messages between the couple's families, drinks from a cup of palm wine and may also invite the bride and the groom to share the drink. When the ceremony has ended, the bride remains at her father's house to prepare for the wedding ceremony.

Wedding Day

Depending upon the local custom, the bride's elders may help her to bathe and prepare for the wedding. In a traditional Nigerian wedding, the bride usually wears imported Indian fabrics as well as a decorative coral-beaded headpiece, ankle bracelets and necklaces. The bride's hands and feet may be decorated with intricate henna designs. When she is ready, the father of the bride accompanies her to the church. After the ceremony, there is a party that frequently lasts late into the night. Live bands may perform traditional music while everyone enjoys a meal and dancing. After the party, the bride returns to her father's home to change out of her wedding attire. Her new husband arrives with his family to claim his bride and the couple departs to begin their new life together.

Source: USA Today

The Roads In Africa - Shona Congo

When I first moved to Africa, the thing that struck me most was the roads. Or rather the lack there of. Ok, I know, this is not what makes for poignant imagery of Africa. I mean no one has ever said to me "oh, so you are living in Africa....What are the roads like over there?"

But that is because we have grown accustomed to our richness. Our overabundance of roads I mean. Believe it or not, I have been asked the reverse question quite a few times with thoughtful looking Congolese faces peering at me and asking "what are the roads like in America?"

The roads in Congo are notoriously bad, even for African standards. It is estimated that Congo has 300 miles of paved road in the entire country. This is a huge country, 1/4 the size of the US. The US has at least 5.7 million miles of paved roads. hmm...

This leaves cities like Goma, with perhaps 800,000 people living in them, and one paved road. These pictures are of the main road in Goma. It is a two lane road, eaten away at the edges and crowded with at least 5 lanes of traffic, including two lanes of cars, at least 2 lanes of motorcycles and pedestrians on both sides. Now the word lane is quite deceptive. Please do not take this to mean that there is any order at all. The motorcycles and men pushing wooden cars weave all about, the cars sit in traffic and honk, and the people endeavor to actually cross the road and reach the other side.

But this is not the problem with roads in Congo. The problem is that roads, even such as these, often do not exist, or are simply unusable. Years of neglect mean that the roads built during the Belgian colonial period are collapsing, and during the intervening half century, very few new roads have been built. Add on top of that the high levels of armed robbery,and check points manned by a variety of rebel groups and government soldiers, and traveling by road simply becomes untenable.

Here, in the tiny town in Kansas which we are visiting, my eyes keep being drawn to the roads. The roads seem laughably wide, probably because of all the farm equipment that needs to make its way through. But I still can't help thinking "this town's got some good roads!"

So as you make your way down the road today, as almost all of you will, maybe you will take a second glance at the road stretched out before you and begin to see it in a whole new light.

Money And Marriage In Congo By Shona Congo

The goats given to Mapendo's family as part of a bride price

Kupana mali: To give wealth

In the US, we give fancy engagement rings.  OK, mine isn't really fancy, but I am often amazed by the amount of money that men are expected to spend on engagement rings in this country.  Why do we continue with this tradition and where did it come from?

Surely there is some underlying message to this ring (besides the Diamond industry's success in the marketing slogan "A Diamond is Forever").  

Surely there is some way that we see the ring as a demonstration of the man's love, and perhaps of his ability to provide for his soon-to-be-wife.  We may not like to think of it that way in our modern culture, but I am amazed at the extent to which this material "tradition",which was in fact heavily promoted if not outright created, by the diamond industry, remains central to our engagements and marriages.  I have watched no shortage of women prominently displaying their large diamond engagement ring to flocks of admiring women.  I've listened to those women guessing at how much the man spent on that ring.  Exactly what is being admired here, if not the extent to which this ring communicates the great love of her fiance and his intention to care for her...materially?

In Congo, the giving of gifts is a bit more direct.  We're talking about goats and cows, pots and pans, clothing, and cooking utensils. And this is given not to the bride, but to her family, as a form of a bride price, in an engagement ceremony.  This bride price is negotiated in advance, and represents a very sizable amount of the man's supposed wealth.  As you can imagine, most men in Eastern Congo have very little wealth to speak of, and struggle heavily to arrange for any sort of acceptable bride price.  

 

Here you see the giving of pots and pans

 

The gift of new cloth (being wrapped around the head)

And yes, in the middle of those hands being raised in celebration, that is a suit which I assume is another part of the bride price given to Mapendo's family.  

As you know, both Mapendo and Solange recently got married.  Before the civil marriages they had engagement ceremonies where bride prices were given.  These are the photos from Mapendo's ceremony.  We are very happy that Mapendo and Solange were able to celebrate these rites of passage which they thought might never happen due to the reality of living with disabilities (women with disabilities often find it difficult to find a husband since the disability is perceived as lowering their "value" as a wife).  I am sure that both Mapendo and Solange's husbands worked hard to find the money and give the appropriate "mali", and this is a real achievement when resources are so limited.   

In the US, a couple might decide to skip the fancy engagement ring, and spend the money elsewhere.  But in Congo, the decision is not so easy.  The bride price is considered a necessary step prior to a legal wedding.  Many men find that they simply cannot afford to pay it, and so couples end up living together without a marriage.  This is seen as a real offense to the woman's family, both because it represents a sizable loss of income, and because it is seen as disrespectful.  Many men spend years, long after living together and starting a family, trying to pay the debt they owe to their wife's family. 

The bride price is an interesting tradition, and no doubt holds value within the traditional culture.  But just as many American traditions have lost context and become overly materialized and commercialized (can I mention the holiday shopping madness at Christmas time), I think the bride price suffers similar issues in a country where overwhelming numbers of men struggle to find any real source of income.  Still, the tradition remains extremely important to people, and we are very happy to see these photos of the SHONA women celebrating in Congolese fashion, a life they once only dreamed of.

Here is the wedding ceremony, including a"traditional" fanta soda sharing...much like a our cake sharing...and just as sweet!

 Here is the signing of the wedding certificate.  That is the biggest smile I think I have ever seen on Mapendo's face.  In Congolese tradition the wedding party does not smile during any of the ceremonies, especially not in photos.  (Perhaps to show the seriousness of the events?)  I guess Mapendo decided to dispense with that tradition...

 

Congratulations!!!

 

~And Best wishes~

Getting Along With Stubborn In-Laws

Consider the story of Stephanie, who complained, “My mother-in-law never approves of the way I do anything. The last time Joe and I visited her it happened again. Just trying to be nice and helpful, I washed all the pots and pans after dinner. No sooner had I finished than she washed them all over again!”

Stephanie is not a newlywed. She has been married to Joe for 15 years. That whole time, she and Joe’s mom have silently struggled with being civil to each other. When Joe’s mom comes to visit, Stephanie really tries to get the house clean and comfortable for her. But after arriving, her mother-in-law pulls out the cleaning supplies and spit shines the bathrooms and kitchen. Stephanie assumes she’s doing this because she thinks Stephanie is a slob and lives in filth.

After the last pots-and-pans fiasco, Stephanie spilled her frustrations to Joe’s older sister, Connie. “I know your mother hates me and thinks I’m a slob and a bad person. I can’t seem to do anything to please her.”

Connie replied, “Stephanie, it’s not about you. It’s about Mom’s compulsion to have everything spotless. I grew up with her. I know her. She was like this before you and Joe even met. When she rewashes the pots and pans, it’s not condemning you — it’s simply that she had different (and what most would consider absurd) standards of what is acceptably clean. Let it go. There are bigger hills to die on.”

While Stephanie couldn’t really forget it and totally let it go, she did begin to look at her mother-in-law in a different light. She began to try to find ways to help that didn’t involve meeting her mother-in-law’s high standard of cleanliness— like running to the grocery store for milk or dropping off the dry cleaning and laundry. Stephanie will probably never have a close relationship with her mother-in-law, but these days they are much more civil to each other.

Are you in Stephanie’s shoes, try out ”civility” instead of shouting your brains out. These in-laws can be quite a something to deal with, but with GOD and the rules of considerate conduct, you will be happy.

Civility Tips for Relating to In-Laws:

• Be proactive. Do what you can to build the relationship.

• Don’t compete with other family members.

• Refocus your perspective by looking for the positive.

• Accept reality.

• Focus on remaining calm. What 1 Corinthians 13 says about love can also be true for civility. This really works: Try reading the love passage and substituting the word civility or civil. If you can succeed in remaining civil, you also up your chances of remaining calm even when you are extremely upset.

The ABCs of Family Civility 
Adapted from Pier Forni, Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct.

• Smile. People respond better to those who are positive.

• Be considerate. Ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say going to encourage and build up the other person, or tear him or her down?”

• Practice restraint and don’t yell or raise your voice.

• Give sincere praise.

• Have the courage to admit it when you are wrong.

• Avoid ridicule and don’t humiliate or demean the other person. You can express your anger without attacking the other person.

• Accept kindness from others and let others be nice to you.

The above article is from the book, Loving Your Relatives, by David and Claudia Arp, and John and Margaret Bell.

African Context: In-Law Relationship Highlights

One inherent problem in the African marriage is that our extended family members are seen as integral members of our marriages. In some cultures, members of the husband’s family see the wife of their brother or son as an addition to their family and in some cultures, they expect the wife to serve and respect every other member of the family including the youngest child of that home.

In some cultures, the wife is expected to call every other member of the family ‘my husband’ which means that she is to marry not only her husband (except in sexual matters) but the whole family. This means that if she decides to relate to her husband alone, she will incur the wrath of other members of the family who will in turn make her life miserable in that marriage.

On the other hand, the parents of a lady can be so possessive to the point that they will be manipulating her and directing her on what to do or how to marry her husband. In some extreme cases some parents may decide to move over to their daughter’s matrimonial home and live together with her and her husband or convince their daughter to bring her husband to live in their own home.

In such cases, their daughter may start by spending most time with her parents and causing the man to come visiting her most of the time in her parents home and if she becomes pregnant, they will retain her till she delivers the baby and becomes pregnant again and the cycle continues without end.

In some other cases, the brothers and or sisters of the husband may not be happy about their brother’s intention to get married because they will think that the woman will cause them to lose all the financial support which they have been enjoying, and this can lead to a serious tension between them and their brother and eventually the wife of their brother as this can go on for years if not the life time unless God intervenes.

In the case of the ladies, if they are educated, gainfully employed, into a successful business venture and wealthy, some parents, brothers and sisters of such ladies, will hardly let her go into a marriage relationship without them remote-controlling her to be their bread winner even after her marriage. They will want her to build them a house, buy them a car, train others in school or set up profitable business venture, etc, as a recompense for her training.

In some very extreme cases, some family members would prefer to retain their loved daughters at home and permit them to have children out of wedlock rather than giving her out in marriage.

These points can be a real source of trouble in any given African marriage but God has solution to every marriage problem.

SOLUTIONS TO THE IN-LAW PROBLEMS:

1. Accept the problems as cultural problems. Although the degree of the problems differ from culture to culture even within the same country, it is very important that every intending couple accept them as real. Do not try to treat them as non-existent or you will multiply your sorrows. The scripture says, “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” This knowledge will save your marriage.

2. Discuss them before marriage. Before you say “I do”, it is wise to discuss these points with your spouse before you go to the altar. Remember that God hates divorce therefore, it is better to discuss these trouble spots and accept or reject them before you get married.

One problem that I have noticed is that either the man will say “I will change her after marriage” or the lady might say ‘let me get married first’ then I will show him my true color. Or both the man and the woman have no idea of such problems and are so deeply in love that they do not foresee any problem from the in-laws and when the problem begins to show up, they are unprepared to handle it and it tears them apart.

3. Seek the face of the Lord. Having discussed the matter together, present it to the Lord in prayer and go ahead with the relationship if the Lord approves the relationship or quit the relationship if He tells you to quit. A broken engagement is better than a divorce or a painful and sorrowful marriage.

4. If you must marry him / her, make sure that the marriage is godly and legally conducted. Avoid co-habiting. Be determined to handle the problem very maturely and positively. Throw away every form of hypocrisy or deceit. Determine in your mind to love your in-laws.

5. Be determined to live in peace with every member of your husband’s or wife’s family. It is achievable in every culture, but one problem we face is that most young people wanting to get married, have determined to have nothing to do with other members of their husband’s or wife’s family.

Therefore, even before the marriage is consummated, they are already scheming to displace every other member of their spouse’s family with the result that even their good intentions, deeds, and requests produce negative results because of the deceit and hypocrisy behind the good intention. Such people try to present themselves as good but have other plans. Try to live in peace even with the worst of your in-laws.

6. Leave and cleave. It is very important for both the man and woman to understand and accept God’s formula for a healthy marriage which is that they must determine to leave their father’s houses and cleave to one another as is clearly demanded in Genesis 2:24 and Psalm 45:10.

What God has joined together in marriage must not be put asunder by in-laws. Any man or woman who allows his or her father, mother, siblings, etc to come between his/her spouse is not wise. Put them where they belong. I do not mean that you have nothing to do with them but they must allow you to build your new family with your spouse and make sure they know that.

7. Determine to support you in-laws. The law of leaving to cleave does not mean that you must have nothing to do with the welfare of your in-laws. God expects us to extend our love to both our own family members and members of our spouse’s family to the extent that we can without grumblings and complaints for God loves a cheerful giver.

In our own marriage, we support both my family members and my in laws without discrimination to the extent that we can carry. My wife and I consult one another before taking any action and by this we have laid to rest every such problem in our marriage. Partiality, like was in the case of Joseph (in the Bible), can wreck any good marriage. Try not to be partial.

8. Do not marry a man or woman because of his/her wealth. If you marry a man or woman because of his or her wealth, you will be blinded by that fact so that you will concentrate on grabbing his or her wealth. People who marry because of the wealth of others will do everything within their power to keep the man or woman completely to him or herself and his or her own immediate family and therefore incur the wrath of his or her in-laws.

We must understand that, in the African and similar contexts, both families become one by marriage. We must therefore endeavor to balance our treatment of both families. The man and his wife become one by marriage so they should care for both family needs (i.e. that of the husband and his wife) to the extent that they can cheerfully do without grumblings because God loves a cheerful giver.

Israel Ikpeka.